have a problem with my loved one

yeah i`m back after a while. I`m back but with different issue. since i was away from blogs and writing there were too many changes in my life. Like what??? i dont know where to start to be honest with you..
without going into any details start from the middle of this conversation. on 22nd june 2010 got married before that lived together for a while then decided to get married etc. I`m not saying these for just because i wanted to write it, because its what it is actually.
Everything was not perfect but okay then after start arguments no undertsanding for eachother, saying f..off like"i cant take this shit anymore, get out of my life i hate you" etc... classic married couple arguments.. but there is something forgotten.. I`m 22 and he is 35. big gap between us firts of all, and the second thing is I`m turkish he is greek so here is another big gap between us. it wasn`t effect my marriage really. there was something different effection in our life. i love him but i dont like him any more. i need something different from him. i couldnt find the answer and that was only reason why i need some action in my life. i quit my job. week after found another job. day after i came home with an idea which unexceptable. but realise that very late.listen that all those sentences`s got some blank between them sort of
_ yep we were arguing but i can not arguing by myself obviously i need somebody else to do that. right? well that person is has to be my husband.. me? yeah i had no toleration to my husband but there is a reason.
_yep we were arguing but the reason why we arguing wasnt worth it never. because both side dont like to say " I`m sorry"
_yep we were arguing but i will tell you but was he doing or what was i doing at the and of the story.

i went to other man i had a sex with him and i liked it. because every second was frightening  every second was unbelievable every second was absolutely fabulous and excited. escapind and find somewhere to make a love. i didnt love that the other man i was using him for sex. its just ridicilous. i konw i know you probably think what the bitch. you maybe right and i might think like that for myself but i dont.
one day me and my husband had a huge argument and i told him that i was having an affair. he gone mad naturely.it was around mid night and packed my bags ready to leave my home. all his family neighbours basically every one was at my house watching us and trying to understand what is going on. i called mini cap and he knock my window i put my hand to his face and i say i always love you my loved one. and the first time in my life and his life he was actually crying.that time i hate myself i hate my body i hate everything baout myself.I went to the hotel couldnt sleep at all and i have to go to work next morning. i was lost completely lost. i couldnt feel any where from my body. i felt like i buried.
I had no where to live no one to trust nothing..,.it was just end of my life. i was talking to my boss and she offered my to live with her but i couldnt.
then something ridiculously he came over and offered me to live with him as a friend. that night i went to his place because i had no choice. she had her own life and family i didnt want to ruin it. she knows everything about me. and to be honest with you she put something in my head and make do this. think about it i had no family over here my husband was far away from my not physically but he was away. so she know that i was happy at all. and all the sudden he became my prince. he gave me a hand to step forward,stand up again.
first night i slept with him it was so painful. but i like it. he kissed me. my husband never kissed me like that. he touched my like I`m a real woman my husband eighter other one but he did. he was whispering lovely words to my ear. i wasnt the one who in charge for the first time. he teached me that i`m a woman. but there is something in my heart still searching for my husband. keep asking the same question why didnt he do this to me? what was wrong? Am i the one who made me like that or there is something else?
he came insinde me,didnt even use condom. i was completely strenger to him. he trust me in the forst place. why isnt my husband like that? And here is the real question WHY DO I STILL LOVE HIM?
this is just so disgusting. i`ve got what i want but still thinking about my husband. i thought i am not normal, maybe i am going mad or depressed. i dont know what is wrong i need some help in that point.
i was with him for 63 days and i had such good days with him, his uncle and cousin. he had kid from someone else they broke up couple of months ago. i thought maybe he was in similar position as me. but there is diffrence between us. because he had a kid. lovely baby boy. i thought i have to let him go. but hold on i didnt make him to leave her or his kid,i can never do such a thing.
i took me out we had a romantic dinner together whic i never had with my husband.yea we went to restaurants but i never wear glamour dresses when we went out with my husband. but with him it was so different he made feel like i am a woman. do you know what is that mean? do you? these 63 days gone so quick.
my mom came over to fix things between me and my husband and apparently she did as she always does.the time i have to leave his house last two night i spent with my prince.last night we had sex again it was so painful but i loved him. yes i really loved him once in my life i really cried for someome i loved.
i came back to my house again. me and my husband got back togehter again. but where ever i looked at it is just too stranger for me. i came to this house when i was separated with him but my feelings was so different. i didnt want to be here. yes i had no many when i was with my prince but i was really and unbelievebly happy with him. i did everything want i wanted to do. any thing you can image. dance with him, holding his hands and walking in the street without any fear.went places where i have never been. brilliant time it was...
for now yeah i am still with my husband i love him. the reason why i am very comfotable with him. but there is still something missing. he still doesnt touch me as he does.he looking at me with love i know he loves me i love him too. but i dont know how to repair that missing puzzle piece.any idea??
i promise i will try harder then i usually do. he doesnt deserve me because my husband such a sweet heart such a kind person.i will try to gain his trust again. i will forget everything about my beautiful eyes prince. it will be so painful but i will do it.